Gen Z: 2 Samuel 21
1So there was a fam jam during David's reign for three years straight, and David hit up the Lord for answers. The Lord was like, "It's 'cause of Saul and his savage fam, 'cause he took out the Gibeonites."
2The king called up the Gibeonites and was like, "Yo, just so you know, y'all ain't even part of Israel, but Saul was on a wild mission to take you out for his squad."
3David asked the Gibeonites, "What can I do for you? How can I make things right so you can bless the Lord's crew?"
4The Gibeonites were like, "We don't want Saul's cash or gold, and don't go offing anyone in Israel for us. Just tell us what you want, and we got you."
5They told the king, "The dude who wiped us out and plotted against us wanted us gone from Israel's scene."
6"Let us have seven of his sons, and we’ll hang them up to the Lord in Gibeah of Saul, the one the Lord picked." The king was like, "Bet, I’ll do that."
7But the king saved Mephibosheth, Saul's grandson, 'cause of the oath between him and Jonathan, Saul's son.
8The king took two of Rizpah's sons that she had for Saul, Armoni and Mephibosheth, plus five sons of Michal, Saul's daughter, who she raised for Adriel.
9He handed them over to the Gibeonites, and they got hanged on the hill before the Lord. All seven went down together during harvest time, at the start of the barley season.
10Rizpah, Saul's concubine, was lit and took sackcloth, spread it on a rock, and stayed there from harvest time until it rained, keeping the birds and beasts away from them.
11Word got to David about what Rizpah had done, and he was shook.
12David went and grabbed Saul and Jonathan's bones from the Jabesh-gilead crew, who had snatched them from Beth-shan where the Philistines hung them after they took out Saul.
13He brought up Saul and Jonathan's bones, and they collected the bones of everyone who got hanged.
14They buried Saul and Jonathan in Benjamin's land at Zelah, in Kish's tomb, doing everything the king asked. After that, God was like, "I got you" for the land.
15The Philistines were back at it with Israel, and David and his crew went down to throw down against them, but David was feeling weak.
16Ishbi-benob, one of the giants, had a spear that weighed 300 shekels of brass and was ready to take out David.
17But Abishai, Zeruiah's son, came through and took out the Philistine. Then David's boys were like, "You’re not going back out with us, we can't let the light of Israel go out."
18After that, there was another battle with the Philistines at Gob, and Sibbechai the Hushathite took down Saph, another giant.
19Then there was another fight in Gob, where Elhanan, the Bethlehemite, took out Goliath's brother, whose spear was massive.
20There was yet another battle in Gath, where a dude with six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot popped up; he was also born to the giants.
21When he dissed Israel, Jonathan, David's bro, took him out.
22These four were born to the giants in Gath and fell by David and his crew.