1So there’s this dude named Sheba, total Belial vibes, son of Bichri from Benjamin. He blew a trumpet and was like, "We’re not with David, no rizz in the son of Jesse. Every man, hit your tents, Israel!"

2So all the Israel homies dipped from David and followed Sheba, but the Judah crew stayed loyal to their king, from Jordan to Jerusalem, no cap.

3David rolled up to his crib in Jerusalem; he took the ten women he left behind to hold it down, put them in a safe spot, fed them, but didn’t go near them. They were basically living in widow vibes till they passed.

4Then the king told Amasa, "Gather the Judah squad in three days, and you better be here."

5Amasa went to gather the Judah crew, but he took way longer than the time he said he would, fr.

6David told Abishai, "Sheba’s about to cause us more drama than Absalom did. Grab your squad and chase him down before he gets cozy in some city and bounces."

7Joab’s crew, the Cherethites, the Pelethites, and all the strong homies rolled out of Jerusalem to chase after Sheba, no cap.

8When they hit the big stone in Gibeon, Amasa was ahead. Joab had his gear on, sword strapped, but it fell out as he walked, sus moment.

9Joab asked Amasa, "You good, bro?" and grabbed his beard to give him a kiss, like what?

10But Amasa didn’t notice Joab’s sword, so Joab hit him in the side, spilled his guts, and he didn’t hit him again; dude was done. Joab and his bro Abishai chased after Sheba, periodt.

11One of Joab’s homies was like, “If you’re Team Joab or Team David, roll out with Joab.”

12Amasa was straight up bleeding in the street. When the dude saw everyone paused, he moved Amasa off the road and threw a cloth on him, since peeps were just standing there.

13Once Amasa was outta the way, everyone dipped after Joab to chase down Sheba, Bichri's kid.

14He rolled through all the tribes of Israel to Abel and Beth-maachah, and all the Berites linked up to follow him.

15They pulled up and surrounded him in Abel of Beth-maachah, building a ramp to the city, while Joab’s crew was smashing the wall to take it down.

16Then a wise woman yelled from the city, “Yo, listen up! Tell Joab to come here so I can chat.”

17When he got close, she asked, “Are you Joab?” He replied, “That’s me.” She said, “Listen to what I gotta say.” He was like, “I’m all ears.”

18Then she said, “Back in the day, people used to say they’d ask for advice at Abel, and that’s how they wrapped things up.”

19“I’m one of the chill and loyal peeps in Israel. You’re trying to wreck a city and a mother in Israel. Why you wanna take out the Lord’s inheritance?”

20Joab was like, “Nah, nah, that’s not my vibe. I’m not about to destroy or swallow up anything.”

21So like, there's this dude from Ephraim, Sheba son of Bichri, who's totally going against King David. Just give him up, and I’m outta here. The woman was like, "No cap, I'll toss his head over the wall for you."

22Then she went to the people with her smarts. They straight-up chopped off Sheba's head and threw it to Joab. He blew the trumpet, and everyone dipped back to their tents. Joab bounced back to Jerusalem to the king.

23Joab was the boss of all Israel’s army, and Benaiah son of Jehoiada was in charge of the Cherethites and Pelethites, no cap.

24Adoram was in charge of taxes, and Jehoshaphat son of Ahilud was the recorder, keeping it all straight.

25Sheva was the scribe, and Zadok and Abiathar were the priests, vibin' in their roles.

26Ira the Jairite was also a chief ruler around David, keeping it lit.

1And there happened to be there a man of Belial, whose name was Sheba, the son of Bichri, a Benjamite: and he blew a trumpet, and said, We have no part in David, neither have we inheritance in the son of Jesse: every man to his tents, O Israel.

2So every man of Israel went up from after David, and followed Sheba the son of Bichri: but the men of Judah clave unto their king, from Jordan even to Jerusalem.

3And David came to his house at Jerusalem; and the king took the ten women his concubines, whom he had left to keep the house, and put them in ward, and fed them, but went not in unto them. So they were shut up unto the day of their death, living in widowhood.

4Then said the king to Amasa, Assemble me the men of Judah within three days, and be thou here present.

5So Amasa went to assemble the men of Judah: but he tarried longer than the set time which he had appointed him.

6And David said to Abishai, Now shall Sheba the son of Bichri do us more harm than did Absalom: take thou thy lord’s servants, and pursue after him, lest he get him fenced cities, and escape us.

7And there went out after him Joab’s men, and the Cherethites, and the Pelethites, and all the mighty men: and they went out of Jerusalem, to pursue after Sheba the son of Bichri.

8When they were at the great stone which is in Gibeon, Amasa went before them. And Joab’s garment that he had put on was girded unto him, and upon it a girdle with a sword fastened upon his loins in the sheath thereof; and as he went forth it fell out.

9And Joab said to Amasa, Art thou in health, my brother? And Joab took Amasa by the beard with the right hand to kiss him.

10But Amasa took no heed to the sword that was in Joab’s hand: so he smote him therewith in the fifth rib, and shed out his bowels to the ground, and struck him not again; and he died. So Joab and Abishai his brother pursued after Sheba the son of Bichri.

11And one of Joab’s men stood by him, and said, He that favoureth Joab, and he that is for David, let him go after Joab.

12And Amasa wallowed in blood in the midst of the highway. And when the man saw that all the people stood still, he removed Amasa out of the highway into the field, and cast a cloth upon him, when he saw that every one that came by him stood still.

13When he was removed out of the highway, all the people went on after Joab, to pursue after Sheba the son of Bichri.

14And he went through all the tribes of Israel unto Abel, and to Beth–maachah, and all the Berites: and they were gathered together, and went also after him.

15And they came and besieged him in Abel of Beth–maachah, and they cast up a bank against the city, and it stood in the trench: and all the people that were with Joab battered the wall, to throw it down.

16Then cried a wise woman out of the city, Hear, hear; say, I pray you, unto Joab, Come near hither, that I may speak with thee.

17And when he was come near unto her, the woman said, Art thou Joab? And he answered, I am he. Then she said unto him, Hear the words of thine handmaid. And he answered, I do hear.

18Then she spake, saying, They were wont to speak in old time, saying, They shall surely ask counsel at Abel: and so they ended the matter.

19I am one of them that are peaceable and faithful in Israel: thou seekest to destroy a city and a mother in Israel: why wilt thou swallow up the inheritance of the Lord?

20And Joab answered and said, Far be it, far be it from me, that I should swallow up or destroy.

21The matter is not so: but a man of mount Ephraim, Sheba the son of Bichri by name, hath lifted up his hand against the king, even against David: deliver him only, and I will depart from the city. And the woman said unto Joab, Behold, his head shall be thrown to thee over the wall.

22Then the woman went unto all the people in her wisdom. And they cut off the head of Sheba the son of Bichri, and cast it out to Joab. And he blew a trumpet, and they retired from the city, every man to his tent. And Joab returned to Jerusalem unto the king.

23Now Joab was over all the host of Israel: and Benaiah the son of Jehoiada was over the Cherethites and over the Pelethites:

24And Adoram was over the tribute: and Jehoshaphat the son of Ahilud was recorder:

25And Sheva was scribe: and Zadok and Abiathar were the priests:

26And Ira also the Jairite was a chief ruler about David.