Gen Z: 2 Samuel 19
1Yo, they told Joab, "Ayo, the king's out here crying hard for Absalom, no cap."
2That day’s win turned into a whole mood for everyone, 'cause they heard the king was super bummed about his son.
3The people snuck back into the city like they were lowkey embarrassed after losing a battle, fr.
4But the king hid his face and screamed, "O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!" That hit different.
5Joab rolled up to the king and was like, "You just made all your servants feel some type of way today, and they just saved you and your fam."
6You love your enemies but hate your friends, for real? You made it clear today that you don't care about anyone, not even the crew.
7So get up, go out, and hype up your squad: I swear on the Lord, if you don’t step out, nobody's gonna stick around tonight, and that’s gonna be rougher than all the struggles you've faced.
8Then the king got up and chilled at the gate. They told everyone, "Yo, the king’s sitting at the gate!" and all the people came through 'cause Israel was hiding out in their tents.
9Everyone was beefing in the tribes of Israel, saying, "The king saved us from our enemies and the Philistines, and now he dipped 'cause of Absalom."
10And Absalom, the dude we crowned, is dead in battle. So why isn’t anyone talking about bringing the king back?
11Yo, King David hit up Zadok and Abiathar, like, "Why y'all the last to bring the king back home? Everyone in Israel's already hyped to see him."
12You guys are my fam, my ride or dies: so why are you lagging on bringing the king back?
13Tell Amasa, "Aren't you part of my crew? No cap, if you're not my main guy leading the squad instead of Joab, then what are we even doing?"
14He got all the dudes in Judah vibing together as one, so they sent this message to the king: "Pull up, and bring your whole squad."
15So the king rolled back and hit up Jordan. Judah showed up at Gilgal to welcome the king and help him cross over.
16Shimei, the Benjamite from Bahurim, was like, "I gotta catch up!" and rushed down with the Judah squad to meet King David.
17He had a thousand Benjamin homies with him, plus Ziba from Saul's crew, his fifteen sons, and twenty servants, all crossing Jordan before the king.
18They brought a ferry to help the king's crew cross over, and Shimei dropped to the ground when the king came over Jordan.
19He said to the king, "Please don’t hold my wrongs against me, and forget what I did when you left Jerusalem. Don’t let that weigh on your heart."
20Your boy knows he messed up: so here I am, first in line today from Joseph's fam to meet you, my king.
21But Abishai, son of Zeruiah, was like, "Yo, shouldn’t Shimei get the boot for cursing the Lord’s fave? That’s sus."
22And David was like, "What’s your deal, sons of Zeruiah? Why you gotta be haters today? Nobody's getting taken out in Israel, I’m the king today, fr."
23So the king told Shimei, "You ain't gonna die." And he swore on it.
24Then Mephibosheth, son of Saul, rolled up to meet the king, but dude hadn’t even cleaned up since the king left. No cap.
25When he got to Jerusalem to see the king, the king asked, "Why didn’t you come with me, Mephibosheth?"
26He replied, "My dude, the servant played me: he was like, 'I’ll get a donkey for you to ride,' but I can’t because I’m lame."
27"He’s been slandering me to you, king; but you’re like an angel, so do what you think is best, periodt."
28"All my fam were like dead weight before you, king, but you let me eat at your table. So what right do I have to complain?"
29And the king said, "Why you still talking about this? I said, you and Ziba split the land."
30Mephibosheth was like, "Bet, let him take it all, since you’re back home in peace, king."
31So Barzillai from Gilead rolled down from Rogelim and crossed the Jordan with the king, helping him out.
32Barzillai was mad old, like 80 years and counting, and he had been hooking up the king with food while he was chilling at Mahanaim; dude was straight-up goated.
33The king said to Barzillai, "Yo, come with me to Jerusalem, I got you with some grub."
34Barzillai replied, "How long do I even have left to live that I should roll up to Jerusalem with you?"
35"I'm 80 already, can I even tell what's good or not? Can I taste the food or drinks? Can I still hear the vibes of singers? Why would I be a burden to you, my dude?"
36"I’ll just vibe a little over the Jordan with you, but why you gotta reward me for that?"
37"Let me go back so I can chill in my own city and get buried next to my fam. But hey, let Chimham roll with you, and do whatever feels right for him."
38The king said, "Chimham can come with me, and I’ll hook him up with whatever you want, no cap."
39Everyone crossed the Jordan, and when the king made it over, he gave Barzillai a kiss and blessed him; then Barzillai headed back home.
40Then the king went to Gilgal, with Chimham tagging along, and all the Judah peeps escorted the king, plus half of Israel's crew.
41Yo, all the dudes from Israel rolled up to the king and were like, "Why’d the Judah squad steal you away and bring you and your crew across the Jordan? That's sus."
42The Judah squad clapped back, saying, "The king’s our fam, so why y’all mad? Did we munch on the king’s dime? Did he hook us up with anything?"
43Then the Israel crew hit back, saying, "We got ten shares in the king, and we got more rizz with David than you. Why’d you sleep on us and not let our advice pop off for bringing back the king?" The Judah squad was coming in hot, way more savage than the Israel squad.