1David counted his crew and set up some captains, like a boss.

2He split the squad into three, sending Joab, Abishai, and Ittai to lead. The king was like, "I’m rolling with you guys, no cap."

3But the crew was like, "Nah, you can't go. If we dip, they won’t care; even if half of us are gone, we still need you. You’re worth ten of us, so chill in the city."

4The king was like, "Whatever you think is best, I’m down." He stood by the gate while the people rolled out in big numbers.

5The king told Joab, Abishai, and Ittai to take it easy on Absalom for his sake. Everyone heard the king’s orders about Absalom.

6So the people hit the field against Israel, and the battle went down in the woods of Ephraim.

7The Israelites got wrecked by David’s crew, with a major slaughter of twenty thousand that day.

8The battle was wild, spread all over, and the woods took out more peeps than the sword did.

9Absalom ran into David’s crew, riding a mule. But the mule went under a thick oak, and his head got stuck, leaving him hanging between heaven and earth while the mule bounced.

10A dude saw this and told Joab, “Yo, I saw Absalom hanging in an oak!”

11Joab was like, "Yo, dude, you saw him and didn’t take him out? I woulda hooked you up with ten shekels and a fresh fit."

12The dude replied, "Even if I got a thousand shekels, no cap, I ain't touching the king’s son, 'cause the king told you and the squad to chill on Absalom."

13"Otherwise, I’d be straight up lying about my own life, 'cause the king knows everything, and you would’ve been coming for me."

14Joab was like, "I can’t waste time here." He grabbed three darts and went full savage on Absalom while he was still alive in the tree.

15Then ten young homies holding Joab’s gear rolled up and took out Absalom, no doubt.

16Joab blew the trumpet, and the crew stopped chasing after Israel, 'cause he was like, "Chill, fam."

17They tossed Absalom into a big pit in the woods and stacked a massive pile of stones on him, while all of Israel bounced back to their tents.

18Absalom had made a sick pillar for himself in the king's valley, saying, "I got no son to carry my name," and named it after himself, so it's still called Absalom’s place.

19Ahimaaz, Zadok's son, was like, "Let me run and tell the king the Lord got his back against his enemies."

20Joab told him, "Nah, you can’t share the news today, but you can another time; today, you keep it quiet 'cause the king’s son is gone."

21Joab told Cushi, "Go spill the tea to the king about what you saw." Cushi bowed and dipped out.

22Ahimaaz, Zadok's son, was like, "Yo, let me run after Cushi too!" Joab replied, "Why you wanna run, my dude? You ain't got the scoop."

23But he insisted, "Lemme run." Joab was like, "Bet." So Ahimaaz sprinted across the plain and passed Cushi.

24David was chilling between the gates, and the watchman climbed up to the roof, peeped, and saw a dude running solo.

25The watchman yelled and told the king. The king was like, "If he’s rolling solo, he’s got some news." The dude came in hot and got closer.

26Then the watchman spotted another runner and called out to the gatekeeper, "Yo, there's another dude running solo!" The king said, "He’s got news too."

27The watchman was like, "That first guy runs like Ahimaaz, Zadok’s son." The king said, "He’s goated, and he brings good vibes."

28Ahimaaz shouted, "All is good!" He dropped to the ground, face first, and said, "Bless up to the Lord your God for saving the peeps who went against my king."

29The king asked, "Is Absalom good?" Ahimaaz replied, "When Joab sent me and your servant, I saw a wild scene, but I didn’t catch the deets."

30The king told him, "Slide to the side and chill here." So he moved aside and stood still.

31Yo, Cushi rolled up and said, "Yo, king! The Lord just got you back today from all those haters."

32The king asked Cushi, "Is my dude Absalom good?" Cushi replied, "All your enemies, king, they should end up like him."

33The king was super shook, went to his spot above the gate, and cried: "O my son Absalom, my son! For real, I wish I could've taken your place, my son!"

1And David numbered the people that were with him, and set captains of thousands and captains of hundreds over them.

2And David sent forth a third part of the people under the hand of Joab, and a third part under the hand of Abishai the son of Zeruiah, Joab’s brother, and a third part under the hand of Ittai the Gittite. And the king said unto the people, I will surely go forth with you myself also.

3But the people answered, Thou shalt not go forth: for if we flee away, they will not care for us; neither if half of us die, will they care for us: but now thou art worth ten thousand of us: therefore now it is better that thou succour us out of the city.

4And the king said unto them, What seemeth you best I will do. And the king stood by the gate side, and all the people came out by hundreds and by thousands.

5And the king commanded Joab and Abishai and Ittai, saying, Deal gently for my sake with the young man, even with Absalom. And all the people heard when the king gave all the captains charge concerning Absalom.

6So the people went out into the field against Israel: and the battle was in the wood of Ephraim;

7Where the people of Israel were slain before the servants of David, and there was there a great slaughter that day of twenty thousand men.

8For the battle was there scattered over the face of all the country: and the wood devoured more people that day than the sword devoured.

9And Absalom met the servants of David. And Absalom rode upon a mule, and the mule went under the thick boughs of a great oak, and his head caught hold of the oak, and he was taken up between the heaven and the earth; and the mule that was under him went away.

10And a certain man saw it, and told Joab, and said, Behold, I saw Absalom hanged in an oak.

11And Joab said unto the man that told him, And, behold, thou sawest him, and why didst thou not smite him there to the ground? and I would have given thee ten shekels of silver, and a girdle.

12And the man said unto Joab, Though I should receive a thousand shekels of silver in mine hand, yet would I not put forth mine hand against the king’s son: for in our hearing the king charged thee and Abishai and Ittai, saying, Beware that none touch the young man Absalom.

13Otherwise I should have wrought falsehood against mine own life: for there is no matter hid from the king, and thou thyself wouldest have set thyself against me.

14Then said Joab, I may not tarry thus with thee. And he took three darts in his hand, and thrust them through the heart of Absalom, while he was yet alive in the midst of the oak.

15And ten young men that bare Joab’s armour compassed about and smote Absalom, and slew him.

16And Joab blew the trumpet, and the people returned from pursuing after Israel: for Joab held back the people.

17And they took Absalom, and cast him into a great pit in the wood, and laid a very great heap of stones upon him: and all Israel fled every one to his tent.

18Now Absalom in his lifetime had taken and reared up for himself a pillar, which is in the king’s dale: for he said, I have no son to keep my name in remembrance: and he called the pillar after his own name: and it is called unto this day, Absalom’s place.

19Then said Ahimaaz the son of Zadok, Let me now run, and bear the king tidings, how that the Lord hath avenged him of his enemies.

20And Joab said unto him, Thou shalt not bear tidings this day, but thou shalt bear tidings another day: but this day thou shalt bear no tidings, because the king’s son is dead.

21Then said Joab to Cushi, Go tell the king what thou hast seen. And Cushi bowed himself unto Joab, and ran.

22Then said Ahimaaz the son of Zadok yet again to Joab, But howsoever, let me, I pray thee, also run after Cushi. And Joab said, Wherefore wilt thou run, my son, seeing that thou hast no tidings ready?

23But howsoever, said he, let me run. And he said unto him, Run. Then Ahimaaz ran by the way of the plain, and overran Cushi.

24And David sat between the two gates: and the watchman went up to the roof over the gate unto the wall, and lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold a man running alone.

25And the watchman cried, and told the king. And the king said, If he be alone, there is tidings in his mouth. And he came apace, and drew near.

26And the watchman saw another man running: and the watchman called unto the porter, and said, Behold another man running alone. And the king said, He also bringeth tidings.

27And the watchman said, Me thinketh the running of the foremost is like the running of Ahimaaz the son of Zadok. And the king said, He is a good man, and cometh with good tidings.

28And Ahimaaz called, and said unto the king, All is well. And he fell down to the earth upon his face before the king, and said, Blessed be the Lord thy God, which hath delivered up the men that lifted up their hand against my lord the king.

29And the king said, Is the young man Absalom safe? And Ahimaaz answered, When Joab sent the king’s servant, and me thy servant, I saw a great tumult, but I knew not what it was.

30And the king said unto him, Turn aside, and stand here. And he turned aside, and stood still.

31And, behold, Cushi came; and Cushi said, Tidings, my lord the king: for the Lord hath avenged thee this day of all them that rose up against thee.

32And the king said unto Cushi, Is the young man Absalom safe? And Cushi answered, The enemies of my lord the king, and all that rise against thee to do thee hurt, be as that young man is.

33And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!