1Yo, Ahithophel was like, "Let me grab 12K homies, and I’m gonna chase down David tonight, no cap."

2"I’ll catch him when he’s all tired and weak, and he’ll be shook; all his crew will dip, and I’ll just take out the king."

3"I’ll bring everyone back to you; the dude you want is like the whole squad returning, so everyone will chill."

4Absalom was vibing with that plan, and all the OGs of Israel were feeling it too.

5Then Absalom was like, "Get Hushai the Archite in here, we need to hear his take too."

6When Hushai rolled up, Absalom hit him with, "Ahithophel just dropped some knowledge; should we roll with it or nah?"

7Hushai replied, "Nah, fam, Ahithophel's advice isn’t lit right now."

8"Look, you know your dad and his crew are straight-up beasts, and they’re heated like a bear that just lost her cubs; your dad’s a war machine and won’t chill with the squad."

9"He’s probably hiding in some hole or something; once the first squad gets wrecked, everyone’s gonna be like, ‘It’s a massacre for the Absalom crew.’"

10"And the brave ones, with hearts like lions, will totally freak out; everyone in Israel knows your dad's a beast, and his crew are straight-up warriors."

11So I’m saying, all of Israel needs to gather up, from Dan to Beer-sheba, like the sand on the beach, and you gotta go into battle yourself.

12We’ll catch him in a spot where he’s chillin’, and we’ll roll up on him like morning dew on the grass, and not a single dude with him will make it out.

13If he gets cozy in a city, then all of Israel will bring ropes and pull that city into the river, till not even a pebble is left.

14Absalom and all the Israel crew were like, “Hushai’s advice is way better than Ahithophel’s.” The Lord was out here making sure Ahithophel’s good advice flopped, so He could bring the drama on Absalom.

15Then Hushai told Zadok and Abiathar, “Here’s the tea: Ahithophel gave Absalom and the elders this advice, and here’s what I told them instead.”

16So, like, send a message to David ASAP, telling him not to chill in the wilderness tonight, but to bounce quick; we don’t want the king and his squad to get caught.

17Jonathan and Ahimaaz were hiding by En-rogel, trying to stay low-key and not get spotted in the city; a girl spilled the tea to them, and they went and told King David.

18But a kid saw them and told Absalom; they dipped fast and ended up at a dude’s place in Bahurim, where there was a well in the yard, so they snuck down there.

19The woman put a cover over the well’s opening and sprinkled some ground corn on it, so nobody knew what was up.

20When Absalom’s crew rolled up to the woman’s place, they asked, “Where’s Ahimaaz and Jonathan?” She was like, “They crossed over the water.” They looked for them but couldn’t find them, so they headed back to Jerusalem.

21So after they dipped, they pulled up from the well and told King David, "Yo, get up and bounce over the water quick, 'cause Ahithophel's got some sus plans against you."

22David got up with his crew, and they crossed the Jordan; by morning, everyone made it over, no cap.

23When Ahithophel saw nobody was vibing with his advice, he saddled his donkey, dipped back home, got his stuff in order, and straight up ended it, then got buried next to his fam.

24David rolled up to Mahanaim, and Absalom crossed the Jordan with all the Israel homies.

25Absalom made Amasa the new captain instead of Joab; Amasa was Ithra's son, an Israelite who linked up with Abigail, Nahash's daughter, who’s also Joab's aunt.

26So Israel and Absalom set up camp in Gilead, just chillin'.

27When David showed up to Mahanaim, Shobi, Nahash's son from Rabbah, Machir, Ammiel's son from Lo-debar, and Barzillai, the Gileadite from Rogelim, were there.

28They brought beds, bowls, clay pots, wheat, barley, flour, roasted corn, beans, lentils, and other snacks.

29Plus honey, butter, sheep, and cheese for David and his crew to munch on, 'cause they were all hungry, tired, and thirsty in the wild.

1Moreover Ahithophel said unto Absalom, Let me now choose out twelve thousand men, and I will arise and pursue after David this night:

2And I will come upon him while he is weary and weak handed, and will make him afraid: and all the people that are with him shall flee; and I will smite the king only:

3And I will bring back all the people unto thee: the man whom thou seekest is as if all returned: so all the people shall be in peace.

4And the saying pleased Absalom well, and all the elders of Israel.

5Then said Absalom, Call now Hushai the Archite also, and let us hear likewise what he saith.

6And when Hushai was come to Absalom, Absalom spake unto him, saying, Ahithophel hath spoken after this manner: shall we do after his saying? if not; speak thou.

7And Hushai said unto Absalom, The counsel that Ahithophel hath given is not good at this time.

8For, said Hushai, thou knowest thy father and his men, that they be mighty men, and they be chafed in their minds, as a bear robbed of her whelps in the field: and thy father is a man of war, and will not lodge with the people.

9Behold, he is hid now in some pit, or in some other place: and it will come to pass, when some of them be overthrown at the first, that whosoever heareth it will say, There is a slaughter among the people that follow Absalom.

10And he also that is valiant, whose heart is as the heart of a lion, shall utterly melt: for all Israel knoweth that thy father is a mighty man, and they which be with him are valiant men.

11Therefore I counsel that all Israel be generally gathered unto thee, from Dan even to Beer–sheba, as the sand that is by the sea for multitude; and that thou go to battle in thine own person.

12So shall we come upon him in some place where he shall be found, and we will light upon him as the dew falleth on the ground: and of him and of all the men that are with him there shall not be left so much as one.

13Moreover, if he be gotten into a city, then shall all Israel bring ropes to that city, and we will draw it into the river, until there be not one small stone found there.

14And Absalom and all the men of Israel said, The counsel of Hushai the Archite is better than the counsel of Ahithophel. For the Lord had appointed to defeat the good counsel of Ahithophel, to the intent that the Lord might bring evil upon Absalom.

15Then said Hushai unto Zadok and to Abiathar the priests, Thus and thus did Ahithophel counsel Absalom and the elders of Israel; and thus and thus have I counselled.

16Now therefore send quickly, and tell David, saying, Lodge not this night in the plains of the wilderness, but speedily pass over; lest the king be swallowed up, and all the people that are with him.

17Now Jonathan and Ahimaaz stayed by En–rogel; for they might not be seen to come into the city: and a wench went and told them; and they went and told king David.

18Nevertheless a lad saw them, and told Absalom: but they went both of them away quickly, and came to a man’s house in Bahurim, which had a well in his court; whither they went down.

19And the woman took and spread a covering over the well’s mouth, and spread ground corn thereon; and the thing was not known.

20And when Absalom’s servants came to the woman to the house, they said, Where is Ahimaaz and Jonathan? And the woman said unto them, They be gone over the brook of water. And when they had sought and could not find them, they returned to Jerusalem.

21And it came to pass, after they were departed, that they came up out of the well, and went and told king David, and said unto David, Arise, and pass quickly over the water: for thus hath Ahithophel counselled against you.

22Then David arose, and all the people that were with him, and they passed over Jordan: by the morning light there lacked not one of them that was not gone over Jordan.

23And when Ahithophel saw that his counsel was not followed, he saddled his ass, and arose, and gat him home to his house, to his city, and put his household in order, and hanged himself, and died, and was buried in the sepulchre of his father.

24Then David came to Mahanaim. And Absalom passed over Jordan, he and all the men of Israel with him.

25And Absalom made Amasa captain of the host instead of Joab: which Amasa was a man’s son, whose name was Ithra an Israelite, that went in to Abigail the daughter of Nahash, sister to Zeruiah Joab’s mother.

26So Israel and Absalom pitched in the land of Gilead.

27And it came to pass, when David was come to Mahanaim, that Shobi the son of Nahash of Rabbah of the children of Ammon, and Machir the son of Ammiel of Lo–debar, and Barzillai the Gileadite of Rogelim,

28Brought beds, and basons, and earthen vessels, and wheat, and barley, and flour, and parched corn, and beans, and lentiles, and parched pulse,

29And honey, and butter, and sheep, and cheese of kine, for David, and for the people that were with him, to eat: for they said, The people is hungry, and weary, and thirsty, in the wilderness.