1Rachel was lowkey upset she couldn't give Jacob kids, so she hit him with, "Give me children, or I’m outta here, fr."

2Jacob got mad at Rachel and was like, "Am I God? I can't just drop kids on you, no cap."

3Rachel was like, "Ayo, my maid Bilhah can step in. She'll pop out kids for me."

4So Rachel gave Jacob Bilhah to chill with, and he went in to her, lit vibes.

5Bilhah got pregnant and gave Jacob a son, that's bussin.

6Rachel said, "God's got my back and heard me, so I’m naming him Dan, periodt."

7Bilhah got pregnant again and gave Jacob a second son, rizz on rizz.

8Rachel was like, "I fought hard with my sister and won," so she named him Naphtali, savage.

9Leah saw she was done having kids, so she gave Jacob her maid Zilpah to vibe with.

10Zilpah gave Jacob a son, that’s another W.

11Leah was like, "A whole squad is coming!" and named him Gad.

12Zilpah, Leah’s girl, popped out another son for Jacob.

13Leah was vibin', saying, "I’m so blessed, the girls are gonna call me lit!" and named him Asher.

14Reuben was out during harvest, found some mandrakes, and brought them to his mom, Leah. Rachel was like, "Yo, let me get some of those mandrakes."

15Leah shot back, "Is it not enough you took my man? You wanna snag my son’s mandrakes too?" Rachel said, "He’ll sleep with you tonight for those mandrakes, no cap."

16Jacob rolled in from the field at night, and Leah was like, "You gotta come in; I got those mandrakes." And he spent the night with her.

17God was listening to Leah, and she got pregnant, giving Jacob their fifth son.

18Leah said, "God blessed me for giving my girl to my man," and named him Issachar.

19Leah got pregnant again and had Jacob’s sixth son.

20Leah said, "God hooked me up with a good deal; now my man’s gonna stick around since I gave him six sons," and named him Zebulun.

21Then she had a daughter and named her Dinah, that’s cute.

22God remembered Rachel and opened her womb, that’s a major glow-up.

23She got pregnant and said, "God took away my shame," lit.

24She named him Joseph, saying, "God is gonna bless me with another one, no cap."

25Once Rachel had Joseph, Jacob was like, "Laban, let me bounce back to my place."

26"Give me my wives and kids, I’ve worked hard for them, let me dip."

27Laban was like, "Yo, if I’m cool with you, stay a bit longer; I've been blessed 'cause of you."

28Jacob said, "Set my pay, and I’ll roll with it."

29He told Laban, "You know how I’ve been grinding for you and your cattle."

30"You had little before I showed up, but now it’s a whole lot, and God blessed you since I came; when do I get to take care of my own fam?"

31And he was like, "What’s the deal, fam?" Jacob replied, "Nah, keep your stuff. If you hook me up with this, I’ll keep your flock lit."

32"I’m gonna check out your flock today, taking all the speckled and spotted ones, plus the brown sheep and all the sus goats. That’s my payment, no cap."

33"My vibe is gonna show up later when it’s time to collect my pay: any goats that ain’t speckled or spotted and any sheep that ain’t brown are basically stolen from me."

34Laban was like, "Aight, sounds good, let’s do it your way."

35That day, he took away all the ringstraked and spotted male goats, along with the speckled she-goats and any with white on them, plus all the brown sheep, and gave them to his sons.

36He put a three-day distance between himself and Jacob while Jacob took care of the rest of Laban’s flocks.

37Jacob grabbed some green poplar sticks, along with hazel and chestnut, and stripped them to show the white inside.

38He set those sticks where the flocks would drink, hoping they’d have babies while sipping.

39The flocks were vibing with the sticks and ended up having ringstraked, speckled, and spotted babies.

40Jacob sorted out the lambs, made sure they faced the ringstraked and all the brown ones from Laban, keeping his own flocks separate from Laban’s crew.

41So whenever the strong cows were about to give birth, Jacob put some sticks in their view to make sure they popped off with the strong vibes.

42But when the cows were weak, he didn’t bother; so the weak ones were Laban’s, and the strong ones were Jacob’s, no cap.

43Dude was stacking up mad wealth, with tons of cattle, servants, and even camels and donkeys. That’s straight bussin.

1And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.

2And Jacob’s anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God’s stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?

3And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her.

4And she gave him Bilhah her handmaid to wife: and Jacob went in unto her.

5And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son.

6And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore called she his name Dan.

7And Bilhah Rachel’s maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.

8And Rachel said, With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called his name Naphtali.

9When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.

10And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a son.

11And Leah said, A troop cometh: and she called his name Gad.

12And Zilpah Leah’s maid bare Jacob a second son.

13And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed: and she called his name Asher.

14And Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest, and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son’s mandrakes.

15And she said unto her, Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? and wouldest thou take away my son’s mandrakes also? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son’s mandrakes.

16And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son’s mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.

17And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.

18And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar.

19And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.

20And Leah said, God hath endued me with a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons: and she called his name Zebulun.

21And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her name Dinah.

22And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.

23And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach:

24And she called his name Joseph; and said, The Lord shall add to me another son.

25And it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Laban, Send me away, that I may go unto mine own place, and to my country.

26Give me my wives and my children, for whom I have served thee, and let me go: for thou knowest my service which I have done thee.

27And Laban said unto him, I pray thee, if I have found favour in thine eyes, tarry: for I have learned by experience that the Lord hath blessed me for thy sake.

28And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it.

29And he said unto him, Thou knowest how I have served thee, and how thy cattle was with me.

30For it was little which thou hadst before I came, and it is now increased unto a multitude; and the Lord hath blessed thee since my coming: and now when shall I provide for mine own house also?

31And he said, What shall I give thee? And Jacob said, Thou shalt not give me any thing: if thou wilt do this thing for me, I will again feed and keep thy flock:

32I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and of such shall be my hire.

33So shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, when it shall come for my hire before thy face: every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and brown among the sheep, that shall be counted stolen with me.

34And Laban said, Behold, I would it might be according to thy word.

35And he removed that day the he goats that were ringstraked and spotted, and all the she goats that were speckled and spotted, and every one that had some white in it, and all the brown among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons.

36And he set three days’ journey betwixt himself and Jacob: and Jacob fed the rest of Laban’s flocks.

37And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods.

38And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.

39And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.

40And Jacob did separate the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the ringstraked, and all the brown in the flock of Laban; and he put his own flocks by themselves, and put them not unto Laban’s cattle.

41And it came to pass, whensoever the stronger cattle did conceive, that Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the cattle in the gutters, that they might conceive among the rods.

42But when the cattle were feeble, he put them not in: so the feebler were Laban’s, and the stronger Jacob’s.

43And the man increased exceedingly, and had much cattle, and maidservants, and menservants, and camels, and asses.