1So there was a long beef between Saul's crew and David's squad: but David was leveling up, while Saul's squad was getting weaker, no cap.

2David had some sons born in Hebron, and his firstborn was Amnon, from Ahinoam the Jezreelitess; lit.

3His second was Chileab, from Abigail, Nabal's wifey; and the third was Absalom, son of Maacah, daughter of Talmai, king of Geshur.

4The fourth was Adonijah, son of Haggith; and the fifth was Shephatiah, son of Abital, fr.

5The sixth was Ithream, by Eglah, David's wifey. These were all born to David in Hebron, periodt.

6So while the beef was still on between Saul's crew and David's squad, Abner was flexing for Saul's side.

7Saul had a side chick named Rizpah, daughter of Aiah, and Ish-bosheth was like, "Why you tryna mess with my dad's side chick?"

8Abner got super salty at Ish-bosheth's words and said, "Am I a dog or something? I'm showing love to Saul's fam and not handing you over to David, and you come at me like that?"

9So God do to Abner, and more, unless I do what the Lord swore to David; no cap.

10To switch the kingdom from Saul's crew and set David's throne over Israel and Judah, from Dan to Beer-sheba, that’s the vibe.

11He couldn't even respond to Abner, 'cause he was lowkey shook.

12Abner slid into David's DMs, asking, "Whose land is this? Let’s team up, and I’ll bring all of Israel to you, no cap."

13David was like, "Bet, I’m down to collab, but first, you gotta bring Michal, Saul’s daughter, when you roll through."

14So David hit up Ish-bosheth, saying, "Yo, bring me my wife Michal, the one I snagged for a hundred Philistine foreskins."

15Ish-bosheth was like, "Say less," and took her from her husband, Phaltiel.

16Phaltiel was straight-up crying behind her as she left for Bahurim. Abner told him, "Chill, just go back," and he dipped.

17Abner was vibing with the elders of Israel, reminding them how they wanted David as king before.

18He was like, "So let’s make it happen, 'cause the Lord said, 'Through my dude David, I’ll save Israel from the Philistines and all their haters.'"

19Abner also spilled the tea to Benjamin and went to David in Hebron to share what was good for Israel and the whole Benjamin fam.

20So Abner pulled up to David in Hebron with twenty guys. David threw a feast for Abner and his crew, and it was lit.

21Abner told David, "I'ma bounce and gather all Israel for you, king, so you can flex your reign. David sent him off, and he dipped in peace."

22Then, David's crew and Joab rolled in from chasing a squad, bringing back mad loot, but Abner wasn't with David in Hebron; he had sent him off, and he was vibing in peace.

23When Joab and his whole squad showed up, they told him, "Yo, Abner the son of Ner hit up the king, and he sent him off, and now he's chilling in peace."

24Joab pulled up to the king and was like, "What’s good? Abner just came through; why’d you send him away? He's totally gone now."

25You know Abner, son of Ner, came to play you and scope out your moves, wanting to know everything you do, no cap.

26After Joab bounced from David, he sent messengers to catch up with Abner, who was chilling at the well of Sirah; but David had no clue.

27When Abner got back to Hebron, Joab pulled him aside at the gate for a chat, then hit him under the fifth rib and he was done, all 'cause of Asahel, his bro.

28Later, when David heard about it, he was like, "Me and my kingdom are totally innocent before the Lord forever from Abner's blood."

29Let that drama fall on Joab's head and his whole fam; may there never be anyone from Joab's house who has issues, is a leper, leans on a cane, gets wrecked in battle, or is starving.

30So Joab and his brother Abishai took out Abner because he had wiped their brother Asahel at Gibeon during the fight.

31David was like, "Yo Joab and crew, tear your fits and throw on some sackcloth, we gotta mourn for Abner." And king David rolled with the casket.

32They laid Abner to rest in Hebron, and the king got emotional, crying at Abner's grave; everyone was in their feels too.

33The king was all, "Did Abner really go out like a fool?"

34Your hands weren’t tied, and your feet weren’t shackled; you fell like a dude facing wicked peeps, and everyone cried again.

35When the squad tried to get David to eat while it was still light, he swore, "No cap, I won’t touch food until sunset."

36The people peeped this and were vibing with it; whatever the king did was straight fire to them.

37Everybody in Israel got the memo that day: it wasn’t the king’s move to take out Abner, son of Ner.

38The king said to his crew, "Y’all know a prince and a great dude just fell today in Israel, right?"

39"I’m feeling weak today, even though I’m the anointed king; these guys, the sons of Zeruiah, are too tough for me: God will handle the wicked based on their bad vibes."

1Now there was long war between the house of Saul and the house of David: but David waxed stronger and stronger, and the house of Saul waxed weaker and weaker.

2And unto David were sons born in Hebron: and his firstborn was Amnon, of Ahinoam the Jezreelitess;

3And his second, Chileab, of Abigail the wife of Nabal the Carmelite; and the third, Absalom the son of Maacah the daughter of Talmai king of Geshur;

4And the fourth, Adonijah the son of Haggith; and the fifth, Shephatiah the son of Abital;

5And the sixth, Ithream, by Eglah David’s wife. These were born to David in Hebron.

6And it came to pass, while there was war between the house of Saul and the house of David, that Abner made himself strong for the house of Saul.

7And Saul had a concubine, whose name was Rizpah, the daughter of Aiah: and Ish–bosheth said to Abner, Wherefore hast thou gone in unto my father’s concubine?

8Then was Abner very wroth for the words of Ish–bosheth, and said, Am I a dog’s head, which against Judah do shew kindness this day unto the house of Saul thy father, to his brethren, and to his friends, and have not delivered thee into the hand of David, that thou chargest me to day with a fault concerning this woman?

9So do God to Abner, and more also, except, as the Lord hath sworn to David, even so I do to him;

10To translate the kingdom from the house of Saul, and to set up the throne of David over Israel and over Judah, from Dan even to Beer–sheba.

11And he could not answer Abner a word again, because he feared him.

12And Abner sent messengers to David on his behalf, saying, Whose is the land? saying also, Make thy league with me, and, behold, my hand shall be with thee, to bring about all Israel unto thee.

13And he said, Well; I will make a league with thee: but one thing I require of thee, that is, Thou shalt not see my face, except thou first bring Michal Saul’s daughter, when thou comest to see my face.

14And David sent messengers to Ish–bosheth Saul’s son, saying, Deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for an hundred foreskins of the Philistines.

15And Ish–bosheth sent, and took her from her husband, even from Phaltiel the son of Laish.

16And her husband went with her along weeping behind her to Bahurim. Then said Abner unto him, Go, return. And he returned.

17And Abner had communication with the elders of Israel, saying, Ye sought for David in times past to be king over you:

18Now then do it: for the Lord hath spoken of David, saying, By the hand of my servant David I will save my people Israel out of the hand of the Philistines, and out of the hand of all their enemies.

19And Abner also spake in the ears of Benjamin: and Abner went also to speak in the ears of David in Hebron all that seemed good to Israel, and that seemed good to the whole house of Benjamin.

20So Abner came to David to Hebron, and twenty men with him. And David made Abner and the men that were with him a feast.

21And Abner said unto David, I will arise and go, and will gather all Israel unto my lord the king, that they may make a league with thee, and that thou mayest reign over all that thine heart desireth. And David sent Abner away; and he went in peace.

22And, behold, the servants of David and Joab came from pursuing a troop, and brought in a great spoil with them: but Abner was not with David in Hebron; for he had sent him away, and he was gone in peace.

23When Joab and all the host that was with him were come, they told Joab, saying, Abner the son of Ner came to the king, and he hath sent him away, and he is gone in peace.

24Then Joab came to the king, and said, What hast thou done? behold, Abner came unto thee; why is it that thou hast sent him away, and he is quite gone?

25Thou knowest Abner the son of Ner, that he came to deceive thee, and to know thy going out and thy coming in, and to know all that thou doest.

26And when Joab was come out from David, he sent messengers after Abner, which brought him again from the well of Sirah: but David knew it not.

27And when Abner was returned to Hebron, Joab took him aside in the gate to speak with him quietly, and smote him there under the fifth rib, that he died, for the blood of Asahel his brother.

28And afterward when David heard it, he said, I and my kingdom are guiltless before the Lord for ever from the blood of Abner the son of Ner:

29Let it rest on the head of Joab, and on all his father’s house; and let there not fail from the house of Joab one that hath an issue, or that is a leper, or that leaneth on a staff, or that falleth on the sword, or that lacketh bread.

30So Joab and Abishai his brother slew Abner, because he had slain their brother Asahel at Gibeon in the battle.

31And David said to Joab, and to all the people that were with him, Rend your clothes, and gird you with sackcloth, and mourn before Abner. And king David himself followed the bier.

32And they buried Abner in Hebron: and the king lifted up his voice, and wept at the grave of Abner; and all the people wept.

33And the king lamented over Abner, and said, Died Abner as a fool dieth?

34Thy hands were not bound, nor thy feet put into fetters: as a man falleth before wicked men, so fellest thou. And all the people wept again over him.

35And when all the people came to cause David to eat meat while it was yet day, David sware, saying, So do God to me, and more also, if I taste bread, or ought else, till the sun be down.

36And all the people took notice of it, and it pleased them: as whatsoever the king did pleased all the people.

37For all the people and all Israel understood that day that it was not of the king to slay Abner the son of Ner.

38And the king said unto his servants, Know ye not that there is a prince and a great man fallen this day in Israel?

39And I am this day weak, though anointed king; and these men the sons of Zeruiah be too hard for me: the Lord shall reward the doer of evil according to his wickedness.