1So, after all that, David hit up the Lord, like, "Should I roll up to any of the cities in Judah?" And the Lord was like, "Go for it." And David was like, "Where should I go?" And He said, "Hebron, fam."

2So David bounced up there, bringing his two wives, Ahinoam and Abigail, who was Nabal’s wifey.

3And David brought his boys with him, each dude bringing their whole squad: they settled in Hebron’s cities.

4Then the Judah crew showed up, and they crowned David as king over Judah. They told David, "Yo, the Jabesh–gilead squad buried Saul."

5David sent some messengers to the Jabesh–gilead peeps, saying, "Bless up! You guys showed mad love to your lord Saul by burying him."

6Now the Lord’s gonna show you some serious kindness and truth: I’ll also hook you up for doing this.

7So now, get your hands strong and be brave: your master Saul is gone, and the Judah fam has made me king.

8But Abner, Saul’s captain, snatched up Ish–bosheth, Saul’s son, and took him to Mahanaim.

9He made him king over Gilead, the Ashurites, Jezreel, Ephraim, Benjamin, and all of Israel.

10Ish–bosheth, Saul's son, was 40 when he started repping Israel, and he ruled for two years. But Judah was all about David.

11David was king in Hebron for a solid seven years and six months, no cap.

12Abner, son of Ner, and Ish-bosheth's crew bounced from Mahanaim to Gibeon.

13Joab, son of Zeruiah, and David's squad pulled up by the Gibeon pool, chillin' on opposite sides.

14Abner was like, "Yo, let the young ones pop off and show us what they got." Joab was down for it.

15Twelve from Benjamin, rollin' with Ish-bosheth, and twelve from David's crew squared up.

16They grabbed each other by the head and went full savage with the swords; they fell down together. That spot got called Helkath-hazzurim in Gibeon.

17It was a lit battle that day; Abner took the L, and Israel's squad was down against David's peeps.

18Zeruiah's three sons were there: Joab, Abishai, and Asahel. Asahel was fast like a wild deer, fr.

19Asahel chased Abner hard, not turning left or right, just locked on.

20Abner looked back and asked, "Is that you, Asahel?" And Asahel was like, "Yup, that's me."

21Abner was like, "Yo, take a right or a left and grab one of those young dudes' armor." But Asahel was too determined to follow him, no cap.

22Abner hit Asahel with, "Bro, just chill and stop chasing me. Why should I take you out? How am I supposed to face Joab after that?"

23But Asahel didn’t back down, so Abner hit him with the butt of the spear under the fifth rib, and he dropped right there, dead. Everyone who saw it just stood there, fr.

24Joab and Abishai were on Abner’s tail, and the sun dipped when they hit the hill of Ammah by Giah, through the wilds of Gibeon.

25The Benjaminites grouped up behind Abner, forming a squad, and stood on top of a hill, ready to pop off.

26Abner called out to Joab, asking, "Is the sword gonna keep eating forever? You know it’s gonna be mad bitter in the end, right? How long we gonna keep this chase up?"

27Joab replied, "As God lives, if you hadn’t said anything, everyone would’ve bounced back to their bros by morning."

28So Joab blew the trumpet, and everyone just froze, stopping the chase after Israel and calling it quits, periodt.

29Abner and his crew walked the whole night through the plain, crossed the Jordan, and went through Bithron, arriving at Mahanaim.

30Joab came back from chasing Abner, and when he gathered everyone, there were 19 of David's guys missing, plus Asahel.

31David's crew straight up took out 360 dudes from Benjamin and Abner's squad, no cap.

32They scooped up Asahel and laid him to rest with his fam in Bethlehem. Joab and his boys rolled all night and pulled up to Hebron at dawn, periodt.

1And it came to pass after this, that David enquired of the Lord, saying, Shall I go up into any of the cities of Judah? And the Lord said unto him, Go up. And David said, Whither shall I go up? And he said, Unto Hebron.

2So David went up thither, and his two wives also, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail Nabal’s wife the Carmelite.

3And his men that were with him did David bring up, every man with his household: and they dwelt in the cities of Hebron.

4And the men of Judah came, and there they anointed David king over the house of Judah. And they told David, saying, That the men of Jabesh–gilead were they that buried Saul.

5And David sent messengers unto the men of Jabesh–gilead, and said unto them, Blessed be ye of the Lord, that ye have shewed this kindness unto your lord, even unto Saul, and have buried him.

6And now the Lord shew kindness and truth unto you: and I also will requite you this kindness, because ye have done this thing.

7Therefore now let your hands be strengthened, and be ye valiant: for your master Saul is dead, and also the house of Judah have anointed me king over them.

8But Abner the son of Ner, captain of Saul’s host, took Ish–bosheth the son of Saul, and brought him over to Mahanaim;

9And made him king over Gilead, and over the Ashurites, and over Jezreel, and over Ephraim, and over Benjamin, and over all Israel.

10Ish–bosheth Saul’s son was forty years old when he began to reign over Israel, and reigned two years. But the house of Judah followed David.

11And the time that David was king in Hebron over the house of Judah was seven years and six months.

12And Abner the son of Ner, and the servants of Ish–bosheth the son of Saul, went out from Mahanaim to Gibeon.

13And Joab the son of Zeruiah, and the servants of David, went out, and met together by the pool of Gibeon: and they sat down, the one on the one side of the pool, and the other on the other side of the pool.

14And Abner said to Joab, Let the young men now arise, and play before us. And Joab said, Let them arise.

15Then there arose and went over by number twelve of Benjamin, which pertained to Ish–bosheth the son of Saul, and twelve of the servants of David.

16And they caught every one his fellow by the head, and thrust his sword in his fellow’s side; so they fell down together: wherefore that place was called Helkath–hazzurim, which is in Gibeon.

17And there was a very sore battle that day; and Abner was beaten, and the men of Israel, before the servants of David.

18And there were three sons of Zeruiah there, Joab, and Abishai, and Asahel: and Asahel was as light of foot as a wild roe.

19And Asahel pursued after Abner; and in going he turned not to the right hand nor to the left from following Abner.

20Then Abner looked behind him, and said, Art thou Asahel? And he answered, I am.

21And Abner said to him, Turn thee aside to thy right hand or to thy left, and lay thee hold on one of the young men, and take thee his armour. But Asahel would not turn aside from following of him.

22And Abner said again to Asahel, Turn thee aside from following me: wherefore should I smite thee to the ground? how then should I hold up my face to Joab thy brother?

23Howbeit he refused to turn aside: wherefore Abner with the hinder end of the spear smote him under the fifth rib, that the spear came out behind him; and he fell down there, and died in the same place: and it came to pass, that as many as came to the place where Asahel fell down and died stood still.

24Joab also and Abishai pursued after Abner: and the sun went down when they were come to the hill of Ammah, that lieth before Giah by the way of the wilderness of Gibeon.

25And the children of Benjamin gathered themselves together after Abner, and became one troop, and stood on the top of an hill.

26Then Abner called to Joab, and said, Shall the sword devour for ever? knowest thou not that it will be bitterness in the latter end? how long shall it be then, ere thou bid the people return from following their brethren?

27And Joab said, As God liveth, unless thou hadst spoken, surely then in the morning the people had gone up every one from following his brother.

28So Joab blew a trumpet, and all the people stood still, and pursued after Israel no more, neither fought they any more.

29And Abner and his men walked all that night through the plain, and passed over Jordan, and went through all Bithron, and they came to Mahanaim.

30And Joab returned from following Abner: and when he had gathered all the people together, there lacked of David’s servants nineteen men and Asahel.

31But the servants of David had smitten of Benjamin, and of Abner’s men, so that three hundred and threescore men died.

32And they took up Asahel, and buried him in the sepulchre of his father, which was in Beth–lehem. And Joab and his men went all night, and they came to Hebron at break of day.