1The Lord was lowkey mad at Israel again, so He had David go and count the squad, like, "Go, number Israel and Judah."

2The king told Joab, the head honcho, "Yo, hit up all the tribes of Israel, from Dan to Beer–sheba, and count the peeps so I know what we’re working with."

3Joab was like, "Yo king, may the Lord add a hundredfold to the people, but why you vibin' with this counting thing?"

4But the king's word was straight-up law against Joab and the captains. So Joab and the crew bounced from the king to count the people of Israel.

5They crossed the Jordan and set up camp in Aroer, chilling on the right side of the city by the Gad river.

6Then they rolled to Gilead and the land of Tahtim–hodshi, hitting up Dan–jaan and Zidon.

7They checked out the stronghold of Tyre and all the cities of the Hivites and Canaanites, then cruised to the south of Judah, even to Beer–sheba.

8After they scouted the whole land, they hit up Jerusalem after nine months and twenty days.

9Joab reported back to the king, saying there were 800,000 warriors in Israel and 500,000 in Judah.

10David felt super guilty after counting the people and told the Lord, "I messed up big time; please forgive me for being so foolish."

11When David woke up in the morning, the Lord’s word came to the prophet Gad, David’s go-to guy.

12God was like, "Go tell David I’m offering him three options; let him pick one."

13Gad came to David and asked, "You want seven years of famine in your land, three months of running from your enemies, or three days of pestilence? Think it over and let me know what to say back."

14David replied, "I’m in a tough spot; let’s take our chances with the Lord since His mercy is lit; I’d rather not deal with man."

15So the Lord sent a plague on Israel from morning until the set time, and 70,000 peeps from Dan to Beer–sheba bit the dust.

16When the angel reached out his hand to wreck Jerusalem, the Lord was like, "Chill, that’s enough," and told the angel to hold up. The angel was by Araunah's threshingfloor.

17David saw the angel that was smiting the people and said, "I’ve sinned hard; why are these sheep suffering? Just hit me and my fam instead."

18Gad came to David that day and said, "Go build an altar to the Lord at Araunah’s threshingfloor."

19David did what Gad said and went up as the Lord told him.

20Araunah saw the king and his crew coming, and he went out and bowed down on the ground.

21Araunah asked, "Why is my king here?" David replied, "I’m here to buy your threshingfloor to build an altar to the Lord so the plague can chill."

22Araunah said, "My king can take whatever he wants; I got oxen for sacrifices and tools for the wood."

23Araunah gave all that to the king and said, "May the Lord accept you."

24The king said, "Nah, I’m definitely buying it; I won’t offer the Lord anything that doesn’t cost me. So David bought the threshingfloor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver."

25David built an altar to the Lord there and offered burnt and peace offerings. The Lord was pleased and stopped the plague from hitting Israel.

1And again the anger of the Lord was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah.

2For the king said to Joab the captain of the host, which was with him, Go now through all the tribes of Israel, from Dan even to Beer–sheba, and number ye the people, that I may know the number of the people.

3And Joab said unto the king, Now the Lord thy God add unto the people, how many soever they be, an hundredfold, and that the eyes of my lord the king may see it: but why doth my lord the king delight in this thing?

4Notwithstanding the king’s word prevailed against Joab, and against the captains of the host. And Joab and the captains of the host went out from the presence of the king, to number the people of Israel.

5And they passed over Jordan, and pitched in Aroer, on the right side of the city that lieth in the midst of the river of Gad, and toward Jazer:

6Then they came to Gilead, and to the land of Tahtim–hodshi; and they came to Dan–jaan, and about to Zidon,

7And came to the strong hold of Tyre, and to all the cities of the Hivites, and of the Canaanites: and they went out to the south of Judah, even to Beer–sheba.

8So when they had gone through all the land, they came to Jerusalem at the end of nine months and twenty days.

9And Joab gave up the sum of the number of the people unto the king: and there were in Israel eight hundred thousand valiant men that drew the sword; and the men of Judah were five hundred thousand men.

10And David’s heart smote him after that he had numbered the people. And David said unto the Lord, I have sinned greatly in that I have done: and now, I beseech thee, O Lord, take away the iniquity of thy servant; for I have done very foolishly.

11For when David was up in the morning, the word of the Lord came unto the prophet Gad, David’s seer, saying,

12Go and say unto David, Thus saith the Lord, I offer thee three things; choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee.

13So Gad came to David, and told him, and said unto him, Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days’ pestilence in thy land? now advise, and see what answer I shall return to him that sent me.

14And David said unto Gad, I am in a great strait: let us fall now into the hand of the Lord; for his mercies are great: and let me not fall into the hand of man.

15So the Lord sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beer–sheba seventy thousand men.

16And when the angel stretched out his hand upon Jerusalem to destroy it, the Lord repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed the people, It is enough: stay now thine hand. And the angel of the Lord was by the threshingplace of Araunah the Jebusite.

17And David spake unto the Lord when he saw the angel that smote the people, and said, Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly: but these sheep, what have they done? let thine hand, I pray thee, be against me, and against my father’s house.

18And Gad came that day to David, and said unto him, Go up, rear an altar unto the Lord in the threshingfloor of Araunah the Jebusite.

19And David, according to the saying of Gad, went up as the Lord commanded.

20And Araunah looked, and saw the king and his servants coming on toward him: and Araunah went out, and bowed himself before the king on his face upon the ground.

21And Araunah said, Wherefore is my lord the king come to his servant? And David said, To buy the threshingfloor of thee, to build an altar unto the Lord, that the plague may be stayed from the people.

22And Araunah said unto David, Let my lord the king take and offer up what seemeth good unto him: behold, here be oxen for burnt sacrifice, and threshing instruments and other instruments of the oxen for wood.

23All these things did Araunah, as a king, give unto the king. And Araunah said unto the king, The Lord thy God accept thee.

24And the king said unto Araunah, Nay; but I will surely buy it of thee at a price: neither will I offer burnt offerings unto the Lord my God of that which doth cost me nothing. So David bought the threshingfloor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver.

25And David built there an altar unto the Lord, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. So the Lord was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel.