1Joab peeped that the king's heart was all about Absalom, no cap.

2So Joab hit up Tekoah, grabbed a wise woman, and was like, "Yo, act like you're super sad and wear the mourning drip, but skip the oil, vibe like you’ve been grieving for ages."

3Then come to the king and spill the tea. Joab gave her the script to follow.

4When the Tekoah woman talked to the king, she dropped to the ground and was like, "Help, O king, fr."

5The king asked her, "What’s up?" And she replied, "I’m a widow, and my husband’s gone."

6"I had two sons, and they were beefing in the field, and no one was there to break it up, so one ended up taking out the other."

7"And now my whole fam is coming for me, saying, 'Hand over the dude who killed his bro so we can end him too,' and they’re gonna wipe out my last hope and leave my husband with no legacy on this earth."

8The king told her, "Bounce back to your crib, I got your back."

9The Tekoah woman said, "My king, the blame's on me and my fam; you and your throne are straight."

10The king said, "Whoever comes at you, bring them to me, and they won’t mess with you again."

11She was like, "Yo, king, remember the Lord so you don’t let the blood avengers take my son out. And he was like, 'No cap, not a single hair on your son’s head is gonna hit the ground.'"

12Then she said, "Can I drop one word to my lord the king?" And he was like, "Pop off, say what’s up."

13She was like, "Why you thinking that way about God’s peeps? The king's talking like he’s missing the point, not bringing back the banished."

14"We’re all gonna die, like water spilled on the ground that can’t be picked up again; God doesn’t play favorites, but He’s got plans so the banished aren’t kicked out for good."

15"So I came to chat about this because the people got me shook, and I’m hoping the king will vibe with my request."

16"The king's gonna listen and save me and my son from the dude who wants to wipe us out from God’s inheritance."

17"Then your handmaid said, 'Your words are so comforting, like an angel of God; my king knows what's good and what's sus, so the Lord’s got your back.'"

18"Then the king was like, 'Don’t hide anything from me, I gotta ask you something.' And she said, 'Let my lord the king speak.'"

19"The king was like, 'Isn’t Joab behind all this?' And she replied, 'As you live, my king, no one can sway from what you said; Joab told me to say all this.'"

20"Joab set this up, and my king is wise, like an angel of God, knowing all that’s happening on Earth."

21The king told Joab, "Yo, I've made the call: go get Absalom back, fam."

22Joab hit the ground, bowed down, and thanked the king, like, "Today I know I got mad grace from you, my lord."

23So Joab bounced over to Geshur and brought Absalom back to Jerusalem, no cap.

24The king said, "Let him chill at his own crib and don’t let him see my face." So Absalom went home and didn’t see the king.

25But in all of Israel, nobody was as praised as Absalom for his looks: dude was flawless from head to toe, fr.

26When he cut his hair (he did it every year 'cause it was heavy), he weighed it at two hundred shekels, like, that’s some serious weight.

27Absalom had three sons and one daughter named Tamar, and she was absolutely gorgeous, periodt.

28So Absalom chilled in Jerusalem for two whole years and didn’t see the king’s face at all.

29Absalom tried to hit up Joab to get him to the king, but Joab ghosted him, even after he tried again.

30So he told his crew, "Yo, Joab’s field is close and he’s got barley there; go set it on fire." And they lit that field up.

31So Joab got up, rolled up to Absalom's crib, and was like, "Why'd your crew set my field on fire? That's sus."

32Absalom hit back, "Yo, I sent for you, saying, 'Pull up so I can send you to the king.' Like, why'd I even leave Geshur? I'd be vibing there still. Now I just wanna see the king's face, and if I messed up, just end me, fr."

33Joab bounced to the king and spilled the tea. When he called for Absalom, he came through, hit the ground face-first, and the king gave him a kiss.

1Now Joab the son of Zeruiah perceived that the king’s heart was toward Absalom.

2And Joab sent to Tekoah, and fetched thence a wise woman, and said unto her, I pray thee, feign thyself to be a mourner, and put on now mourning apparel, and anoint not thyself with oil, but be as a woman that had a long time mourned for the dead:

3And come to the king, and speak on this manner unto him. So Joab put the words in her mouth.

4And when the woman of Tekoah spake to the king, she fell on her face to the ground, and did obeisance, and said, Help, O king.

5And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, I am indeed a widow woman, and mine husband is dead.

6And thy handmaid had two sons, and they two strove together in the field, and there was none to part them, but the one smote the other, and slew him.

7And, behold, the whole family is risen against thine handmaid, and they said, Deliver him that smote his brother, that we may kill him, for the life of his brother whom he slew; and we will destroy the heir also: and so they shall quench my coal which is left, and shall not leave to my husband neither name nor remainder upon the earth.

8And the king said unto the woman, Go to thine house, and I will give charge concerning thee.

9And the woman of Tekoah said unto the king, My lord, O king, the iniquity be on me, and on my father’s house: and the king and his throne be guiltless.

10And the king said, Whosoever saith ought unto thee, bring him to me, and he shall not touch thee any more.

11Then said she, I pray thee, let the king remember the Lord thy God, that thou wouldest not suffer the revengers of blood to destroy any more, lest they destroy my son. And he said, As the Lord liveth, there shall not one hair of thy son fall to the earth.

12Then the woman said, Let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak one word unto my lord the king. And he said, Say on.

13And the woman said, Wherefore then hast thou thought such a thing against the people of God? for the king doth speak this thing as one which is faulty, in that the king doth not fetch home again his banished.

14For we must needs die, and are as water spilt on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again; neither doth God respect any person: yet doth he devise means, that his banished be not expelled from him.

15Now therefore that I am come to speak of this thing unto my lord the king, it is because the people have made me afraid: and thy handmaid said, I will now speak unto the king; it may be that the king will perform the request of his handmaid.

16For the king will hear, to deliver his handmaid out of the hand of the man that would destroy me and my son together out of the inheritance of God.

17Then thine handmaid said, The word of my lord the king shall now be comfortable: for as an angel of God, so is my lord the king to discern good and bad: therefore the Lord thy God will be with thee.

18Then the king answered and said unto the woman, Hide not from me, I pray thee, the thing that I shall ask thee. And the woman said, Let my lord the king now speak.

19And the king said, Is not the hand of Joab with thee in all this? And the woman answered and said, As thy soul liveth, my lord the king, none can turn to the right hand or to the left from ought that my lord the king hath spoken: for thy servant Joab, he bade me, and he put all these words in the mouth of thine handmaid:

20To fetch about this form of speech hath thy servant Joab done this thing: and my lord is wise, according to the wisdom of an angel of God, to know all things that are in the earth.

21And the king said unto Joab, Behold now, I have done this thing: go therefore, bring the young man Absalom again.

22And Joab fell to the ground on his face, and bowed himself, and thanked the king: and Joab said, To day thy servant knoweth that I have found grace in thy sight, my lord, O king, in that the king hath fulfilled the request of his servant.

23So Joab arose and went to Geshur, and brought Absalom to Jerusalem.

24And the king said, Let him turn to his own house, and let him not see my face. So Absalom returned to his own house, and saw not the king’s face.

25But in all Israel there was none to be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty: from the sole of his foot even to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him.

26And when he polled his head, (for it was at every year’s end that he polled it: because the hair was heavy on him, therefore he polled it:) he weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels after the king’s weight.

27And unto Absalom there were born three sons, and one daughter, whose name was Tamar: she was a woman of a fair countenance.

28So Absalom dwelt two full years in Jerusalem, and saw not the king’s face.

29Therefore Absalom sent for Joab, to have sent him to the king; but he would not come to him: and when he sent again the second time, he would not come.

30Therefore he said unto his servants, See, Joab’s field is near mine, and he hath barley there; go and set it on fire. And Absalom’s servants set the field on fire.

31Then Joab arose, and came to Absalom unto his house, and said unto him, Wherefore have thy servants set my field on fire?

32And Absalom answered Joab, Behold, I sent unto thee, saying, Come hither, that I may send thee to the king, to say, Wherefore am I come from Geshur? it had been good for me to have been there still: now therefore let me see the king’s face; and if there be any iniquity in me, let him kill me.

33So Joab came to the king, and told him: and when he had called for Absalom, he came to the king, and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king: and the king kissed Absalom.