1The prophet squad was like, “Yo Elisha, our crib is way too tight for us.”

2They were like, “Let’s bounce to Jordan, grab some beams, and build a spot to chill.” Elisha was like, “Bet.”

3One dude said, “Please come with us.” Elisha was like, “I’m down.”

4So he rolled with them, and when they hit Jordan, they were chopping wood.

5But when one guy was chopping, the axe head dipped into the water, and he freaked out, “Oh no, master! I borrowed that!”

6The man of God was like, “Where’d it drop?” He showed him the spot. Then he cut a stick, tossed it in, and the iron was like, “I’m swimming!”

7So he said, “Pick it up.” The dude reached out and grabbed it.

8Then the king of Syria was plotting against Israel, telling his crew, “I’m camping here.”

9The man of God hit up the king of Israel, saying, “Watch out, don’t go there; the Syrians are lurking.”

10The king of Israel checked out the spot the man of God warned him about and dodged the danger, not just once but twice.

11The king of Syria was super stressed about this, so he called his crew and was like, "Who’s the snitch for the king of Israel?"

12One of his homies said, "None, my dude, but Elisha, the prophet in Israel, be spillin' the tea to the king about your late-night thoughts."

13So he told them, "Go find out where he’s at so I can send for him." They said, "He’s chilling in Dothan."

14So he sent a squad with horses and chariots, a whole army, and they rolled up at night, surrounding the city.

15When the servant of the man of God woke up early and saw the city surrounded by horses and chariots, he was like, "Yo, what are we gonna do?"

16He replied, "Chill, fam. We got more on our side than they do."

17Elisha prayed, "Lord, open his eyes so he can see." And the Lord opened the young dude's eyes; he saw the mountains filled with fire horses and chariots around Elisha.

18When they came down to him, Elisha prayed to the Lord, "Blind this crew, please." And he did, just like Elisha asked.

19Elisha told them, "This ain’t the way or the city; follow me, and I’ll take you to the guy you’re looking for." But he led them to Samaria.

20Once they got to Samaria, Elisha was like, "Lord, open their eyes so they can see." And the Lord opened their eyes, and they realized they were in the middle of Samaria.

21The king of Israel was like to Elisha, "Yo, should I just take them out? Like, should I pop off?"

22Elisha was like, "Nah fam, don’t smite them. You really gonna mess up those you just captured? Just give them some bread and water, let them vibe out and head back to their boss."

23He hooked them up with a feast: after they ate and drank, he sent them off, and they didn’t roll back to Israel anymore. That was a major win.

24Then Ben-hadad, the king of Syria, gathered his whole squad and rolled up to besiege Samaria.

25Samaria was in a serious famine, like, it was wild. They were selling donkey heads for mad cash and dove poop was going for a small fortune.

26The king of Israel was chillin' by the wall when a woman shouted, "Help me, my dude, oh king!"

27He replied, "If God ain’t got your back, how am I supposed to help? From the barn or the winepress?"

28The king asked her, "What’s the sitch?" She said, "This other woman told me to give up my son so we could eat him today, and then we’ll eat her son tomorrow."

29So we boiled my son and ate him, and the next day I asked her for her son, but she was sus and hid him.

30When the king heard what she said, he tore his clothes and was like, "This is too much!" He walked by the wall, and everyone saw he was wearing sackcloth underneath.

31Then he said, "God do me dirty if Elisha's head ain't rollin' today."

32But Elisha was chillin' at home with the squad; the king sent a dude to him. Before the guy even showed up, Elisha was like, "Yo, peep this, the son of a murderer is coming for my head. When the messenger gets here, lock the door and hold him tight; ain't that the sound of his boss behind him?"

33While he was still chatting, the messenger rolled up, and Elisha said, "This mess is from the Lord; why should I wait on Him any longer?

1And the sons of the prophets said unto Elisha, Behold now, the place where we dwell with thee is too strait for us.

2Let us go, we pray thee, unto Jordan, and take thence every man a beam, and let us make us a place there, where we may dwell. And he answered, Go ye.

3And one said, Be content, I pray thee, and go with thy servants. And he answered, I will go.

4So he went with them. And when they came to Jordan, they cut down wood.

5But as one was felling a beam, the axe head fell into the water: and he cried, and said, Alas, master! for it was borrowed.

6And the man of God said, Where fell it? And he shewed him the place. And he cut down a stick, and cast it in thither; and the iron did swim.

7Therefore said he, Take it up to thee. And he put out his hand, and took it.

8Then the king of Syria warred against Israel, and took counsel with his servants, saying, In such and such a place shall be my camp.

9And the man of God sent unto the king of Israel, saying, Beware that thou pass not such a place; for thither the Syrians are come down.

10And the king of Israel sent to the place which the man of God told him and warned him of, and saved himself there, not once nor twice.

11Therefore the heart of the king of Syria was sore troubled for this thing; and he called his servants, and said unto them, Will ye not shew me which of us is for the king of Israel?

12And one of his servants said, None, my lord, O king: but Elisha, the prophet that is in Israel, telleth the king of Israel the words that thou speakest in thy bedchamber.

13And he said, Go and spy where he is, that I may send and fetch him. And it was told him, saying, Behold, he is in Dothan.

14Therefore sent he thither horses, and chariots, and a great host: and they came by night, and compassed the city about.

15And when the servant of the man of God was risen early, and gone forth, behold, an host compassed the city both with horses and chariots. And his servant said unto him, Alas, my master! how shall we do?

16And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.

17And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha.

18And when they came down to him, Elisha prayed unto the Lord, and said, Smite this people, I pray thee, with blindness. And he smote them with blindness according to the word of Elisha.

19And Elisha said unto them, This is not the way, neither is this the city: follow me, and I will bring you to the man whom ye seek. But he led them to Samaria.

20And it came to pass, when they were come into Samaria, that Elisha said, Lord, open the eyes of these men, that they may see. And the Lord opened their eyes, and they saw; and, behold, they were in the midst of Samaria.

21And the king of Israel said unto Elisha, when he saw them, My father, shall I smite them? shall I smite them?

22And he answered, Thou shalt not smite them: wouldest thou smite those whom thou hast taken captive with thy sword and with thy bow? set bread and water before them, that they may eat and drink, and go to their master.

23And he prepared great provision for them: and when they had eaten and drunk, he sent them away, and they went to their master. So the bands of Syria came no more into the land of Israel.

24And it came to pass after this, that Ben–hadad king of Syria gathered all his host, and went up, and besieged Samaria.

25And there was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass’s head was sold for fourscore pieces of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove’s dung for five pieces of silver.

26And as the king of Israel was passing by upon the wall, there cried a woman unto him, saying, Help, my lord, O king.

27And he said, If the Lord do not help thee, whence shall I help thee? out of the barnfloor, or out of the winepress?

28And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow.

29So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.

30And it came to pass, when the king heard the words of the woman, that he rent his clothes; and he passed by upon the wall, and the people looked, and, behold, he had sackcloth within upon his flesh.

31Then he said, God do so and more also to me, if the head of Elisha the son of Shaphat shall stand on him this day.

32But Elisha sat in his house, and the elders sat with him; and the king sent a man from before him: but ere the messenger came to him, he said to the elders, See ye how this son of a murderer hath sent to take away mine head? look, when the messenger cometh, shut the door, and hold him fast at the door: is not the sound of his master’s feet behind him?

33And while he yet talked with them, behold, the messenger came down unto him: and he said, Behold, this evil is of the Lord; what should I wait for the Lord any longer?